“Who doesn’t want to be happy?” These are familiar lines, and we enjoy it especially before we begin any movie, don’t we? We all long for happiness; there could be few exceptions I guess, but generally we can say so. Often, happiness gets translated in terms of money, position, job security, a good spouse, a wonderful family and so on. The norms one puts for one’s happiness depends on individuals, and it varies from person to person. Being a wanderlust person, I have travelled far and wide both internally and externally and I would like to describe my story as a journey in pursuit of happiness.

My journey began three decades ago, and I was privileged to have a wonderful family. I belonged to a family of four, father, mother and a younger sister. I was also blessed to savour the love and care of grandparents, both paternal and maternal. My father used to tell me, “Whatever you become and wherever you are… be a good human being and nothing else matters.” My mother often reminded me, never to disgrace God. I am proud that still I cling on to these golden words. I was a bit shy by nature and grace and my sister being an outgoing and altruistic person taught me the importance and depth of interpersonal relationships.

Hailing from a small parish belonging to Syro-Malankara community we were regular for Sunday masses. In fact, I longed for it, because those days we had mass only on Sundays because of the lack of priests. My grandparents who are of happy memory inculcated a deep Eucharistic devotion in me. I saw them making their confession invariably on every Sunday and receiving Holy Communion with utmost devotion. Moreover, they saw to it that I too am in the right track. At the age of eleven I became an altar boy. There was no formal or informal installation ceremony, I installed myself as an altar server. No one invited me or trained me, but one day it so happened that there was no one to serve and I took it as a chance and entered the altar and I continue to do so.

Right from my childhood I have longed for only three things: to serve at the altar (initially as an altar boy), to travel (preferably a window seat near the driver) and to drive. I had a normal schooling; I don’t know whether it was eventful or not since I have very little recollection of those days. Still, I won’t dare to say that those were the best days of my life, not because that the latter days were better, but of the reason that it failed to create a deep impression in me. Needless to say that I am not a fan of our education system because it keeps on feeding pupils and fails to empower them. The list of Nobel laurates from India, the second most populous country in the world will substantiate my claim. I was just part of the normal routine and ritual called education and I could only brag about passing out with flying colours and thus securing my higher studies. But I was blessed in another way to have wonderful friends. Though only a few, they were remarkable. We were never a gang nor a mob following the wind of our childhood and adolescent days, but we were into ideas and ideologies (my philosophy of life originated there and not in my philosophy classes). It was also a ritual those days to ask about a child’s ambition. I was bombarded with this question quite often, “Hey, Abin, what you want to become?” Anticipated answers were doctor or engineer. But I told them “Hmm, I want to become a driver, a race driver.”

For any Keralite class X is crucial. Especially since you are Catholic you can always expect a question: “Do want to join the seminary and become a priest?” I too was bombarded with this question. My heart told me that you will do well as a priest, but the gut told me no. I went with my gut, and I still have no regret over that. Later on, I came to know that everyone in my family and parish expected a “Yes” from me. Thereafter, I tailed the trend and joined for science group and eventually ended up studying Engineering.

I was fortunate enough to study in one of the best colleges in Kerala and first time in my life I left my village and began to experience the vastness and vividness of campus and city life. The campus was picturesque and the canvas was made quaint by students from different places, cultures, upbringings, credentials and interests. Most often I felt odd. I could not stomach many things. Slowly I too became part of it except for few habits such as boozing, smoking (both weeds and cigars) and drugs. Ninety percent or more of my hostel mates were into one of these or all of these. But it was not compulsory, and no one ever compelled anyone. Life was very interesting and days flew. I watched lot of movies, I was into music, learnt the art of public speaking, was becoming comfortable and secure with the opposite sex, became an organiser, travelled a lot, explored a variety of cuisines, became a hippie and a beard enthusiast, studied hard, read voraciously, observed others and had healthy friendships. I am no more a frog in the well, now I know the world but still not the entire ‘dunia’. I studied so well that I secured a university rank and a few high-profile jobs including one in DRDO and Indian Navy. Though, tiring it used to be I went home on every Fridays with a foremost intention to serve for Mass and here begins my vocation story.

You have a vocation doesn’t just mean that you are called to become a priest or religious. I believe that our primary vocation as human beings, is to become more and more humane and then to choose your way of life in which you can actualise and live your humanity to its fulness. In that case all of us have a vocation. So far, my life journey inserted me into an ocean of life’s realities and now I started to stand on my own legs. That meant lot of freedom. Lot of freedom meant lot of possibilities and opportunities. Finally, I settled for a job in one of India’s leading automobile companies and I realised my dream of becoming a race driver as well. As part of my job, I sweated out in the test track for long hours doing all sorts of dangerous manoeuvres. Parallelly, I completed my Masters in Engineering from one of the famous IITs. I got the opportunity to travel throughout India and I saw the real India. I saw the youth of India. I saw a great potential still in potency without goals. I hoped to lead them and show them the path one day.

I loved my job. There was lot of money and power. Whatever I wanted: the best mobile phone, laptop, car, or any gadget I could easily afford. People asked what else do you want. You are doing well, and this is happiness. Of course, I was happy. But there was a kind of emptiness in me. I started taking up lot of CSR initiatives, charity, sponsoring girl children and educating them on weekends. But still I was not contented. It was like I was full but still I hunger and thirst. I found solace in journeys and Sunday masses. Most often I attended two masses on Sundays and every possible occasion I travelled. Now my gut told me to listen to your heart. All these times I listened to others. Tried to count their heart beats but I failed to listen to mine. I journeyed externally, but seldom made an inner journey.

During my job days I stayed with my friends like a family, sharing our time and resources. This presented me with a great opportunity to interact more with the opposite sex and to make sacred friendships with them. Moreover, I came to a realisation that I was not able to make particular friendships. I don’t deny the fact that I had infatuations, but I became sure that I cannot grade my love. There was nothing like I could love or hate someone more. I loved everyone equally and I never disliked any even though we had differences in opinion. However, one thing I disliked in my friends was addiction. I could even tolerate their lavishness. These were a bunch of best brains and they needed ale, weeds, drugs and sex to keep them focussed. But they were too good in their own respective fields and did lot of charity. I was the odd one out there and their trusted driver. I don’t know something sacred always sheathed me and I was addicted to the great mystery called life. I also enjoyed the respect they gave me for being different. Now all of them are settled in their life with beautiful families and I guess these days they are more addicted to their families.

Journeys are never ending, but this journey must end somewhere. First seventeen years of my life was dull, uneventful, study, pray, play, occasional mischiefs back to study, perform etc. but, it thought me to think and reflect. The next four years I learned how to study, how to live, how to look, how to see, how to speak and how to serve. Then the next four years taught me the value of life, money, how to make friendships, how to teach and how to lead. Overall, I became a rational human being. Oh, I was doing well. Very well indeed! But I told you that there was still an emptiness in me. An emptiness which my God could only fill. But He was preparing me for that all these years. He wanted me to be exposed so that I will face the harsh and soft realities of life. Now it was time.

As part of work, I went to Nashik for a month, and I was working in a dream project. Those days I got opportunity to attend Holy mass for continuous 28 days. This was something unique; first time in my life. I felt a calling. One of my cousin sisters just casually told me “Bro, you would have become a priest.” I thought for a while. My heart replied, “Yes I will.” She thought that I was kidding, but that kid has already grown into a mature human being who is capable to choose his own vocation. The next I travelled back to Chennai. My flight was delayed for 14 hours. I sat at the airport and reflected on my life and my call. I decided to be a priest. Those 14 hours were the real crisis in my vocation. I fought myself, my ambitions, money, power, cravings…. Then it was the chance to fight with my family… I am an only son, who will look after my parents? Each time I was negative I felt that my emptiness was becoming profound and the flight got delayed further. Then I finally said my “Yes” to God, he gave me a sign by announcing my flight. I reached my company and the first thing I did was to put my paper. I gave my manager a shock of his life. He tried to persuade me by offering a salary hike, a promotion and much more. He thought that I was jumping company for a better offer. I never told him the real reason. Obviously, I was going for a higher offer, which he could never understand. Not only him but my parents also didn’t understand….

I resigned and came home. Parent were happy that I was spending time with them. I had no courage to tell them of my decision. My prolonged stay at home caused slight suspicion in them and my father got busy in seeking a suitable girl for me. He succeeded also. Finally, the moment has come. I told them I want to become a priest. Dreams were shattered, it fell as tears running down their cheeks burning my heart. Lot of oppositions, but I found that I was getting stronger and stronger in my decision. My parents never yielded. My grandmothers came to my rescue. Somehow, they convinced my parents. I still remember their words, “Children are a gift from God, if He is asking them for Him, you must give them willingly. This son of yours is not yours bit His and he is not choosing something worst, but it’s his best choice which you will be proud of….” There was an intervention by God as well. Suddenly I fell sick. My vitals shot up; blood pressure skyrocketed. I was taken to the Medical College; lot of tests were done. The doctors were clueless. It was all the master plan of the Chief Physician. Unwillingly my parents gave their sanction. I became normal again. Still the doctors are clueless.

I never wanted to join the diocese, I envisaged a community life being with youth working with and for them. Out of the blue my uncle who is a priest rang me up. He suggested me to join the Salesians or Jesuits or Capuchins. Since he told Salesians first, I googled and was pleasantly surprised to see my plan of life excellently chalked out by Don Bosco. There was no doubt in my mind. The next day I joined the Salesians and till today I am a happy Salesian. But my parents especially father took three years to reconcile with my choice. He did not speak to me for three years. I think that is the mystery of love. The more you love someone the more it hurts. Now my parents are longing for the day of my ordination. They too know that a ‘Greater Love’ has seized me. I am no more empty. I have no words to express my delight. God is filling my emptiness with my mission. Since I am filled now, as Todd Henry’s book say I have to ‘Die Empty’ giving my last breath to the youth especially those who are poor and abandoned.

There is always a mystery behind all calls. Why are you married? What can be a convincing answer for that? Similarly, I may not be able to convince you by reciting my story. But one thing I can be sure that I am convinced. Earlier I used to think that it is I who made the choice. Now I realise that the choice was not mine but His. “You did not choose me, but I chose you” (Jn 15:16). When my choice coincided with that of God’s I found meaning and purpose in my life. Each day life bombards us with lot of options, and we think we have lot of choices. We do can make a number of choices; but, choosing the way of life, one’s vocation is not like choosing tea over coffee or preferring Pepsi to Coca-Cola. In my pursuit to happiness, I found happiness and contention when my choice became in-line with God’s. So, evaluate your own life choices, make an inner journey, where do your happiness lie. I have found my happiness. What about you?